My room smells like vodka and shame
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
