The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
