i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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