I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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