I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
