But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize