i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
