then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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