"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
