my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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