Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize