Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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