I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize