I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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