I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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