Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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