I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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