You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
