you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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