My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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