I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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