FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
