You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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