My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
