He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
