Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
