id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
