I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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