Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
did i walk over a car last night?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
