I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
