I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
