the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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