We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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