so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
