how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
