If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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