Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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