I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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