i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
