We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
