I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
