i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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