Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
