I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
