So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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