I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
