last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
