he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
