Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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