WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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