Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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