god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Randomize