I'm so fucking centered right now
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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