just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
