Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize
