I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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