i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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