I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
