I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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