so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
