you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
