All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize