What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
