So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
