dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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