Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
