Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
