Don't make out with my wife yet
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
